Audacity
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You are not alone. No, you aren’t!
It’s another new year, isn’t it? What’s the fuss around? What are they so merry about?
They? Yes, those in your friend’s list on Facebook; the young couple as neighbours, the cousins, the married ones or the bachelors.
It didn’t change much for you, did it? What the f*ck? You still feel suicidal, hopeless, not worthy for anybody? O yes, you still feel the same and that’s such a pity.
But then hold on, hold on a second please! You are still not alone. No, you aren’t!
Like you, there are who have been through it and come out scathed yet not defeated. They chose not to give up.
Yes, yes, yes! I know it’s about those thoughts, isn’t it? Those thoughts that keep on coming no matter how hard you try to shrug them off. The thoughts so disturbing, so pensive that put you into a dichotomy of what is real and what is unreal, about you. The guilt for something you did, the guilt for something you never did; but the monkey mind keeps on nagging into your brain that “you did, you did, you imposter; O you loser”.
What? Sorry, come again. What did you say it is called?
OCD! OCD as Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!
Where did you conclude it from?
Newspaper articles! Ah, newspaper articles and must be the web too. Isn’t it?
Did they also mention about depression or bipolar disorder or schizophrenia, therein?
Your parents couldn’t co-relate to what you were trying to explain to them, could they? Poor souls, they never grew up in a time and space which would have thrown them the challenge you are facing.
And you haven’t given up. Have you?
You knew it’s time to take a medical help. A vacation, change of location, indulging in new or old hobbies alike, a run, no nothing worked. It’s more than a couple of weeks since those thoughts haven’t left you, that feeling of worthlessness, the doubt on your relationships. The desire to quit. Quit once for all. And yes, that’s the trigger to seek a medical help. Did you?
Hmm. Do you remember the visit to the doctor? The thoughts on the way?
Okay! You went on your own to a rookie doctor from the newspaper ads. And then? What? You couldn’t locate the clinic? Then. You must have enquired to somebody there about its whereabouts? What did they say?
“Okay, the mental doctor? Whom for do you seek? He doesn’t sit here anymore. You don’t look to be mental”.
Then.
A government hospital! So what were the thoughts on the way since your last experience was, was embarrassing if I must say euphemistically.
A trick. A trick that the brain was trying to play consoling, “you don’t need to go there. You are fine. See you are already feeling better”.
Then.
The clinic was full with patients who were ‘mental’, as they say. No privacy to talk to the doctor. Speak out your problems in the open for everybody to listen to. The psychiatrist himself, your attendants, the interns, the waiting patients after your turn, the medical representatives. Let them hear out what a fool you are, how weak, your thoughts, your secrets, real or unreal, dark or wild. You can be a little smart to camouflage it with oratory but then you are exposed. Mental. Vulnerable.
But then did it work?
O yes it did, didn’t it? What were those magic pills that silenced the monkey mind? How was the doctor? Did he ever shout at you on your subsequent visits? Or waved you off in contempt in front of everybody? But the medicines worked, didn’t it? Clo*ez*****, Sert****ne….!
So it’s a new year? Isn’t it? A new year in the true sense of the word. A year of hope and adventures. I told you you are not alone. Didn’t I?
